my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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