Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
