How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dignity is for republicans.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
