He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
