Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Randomize
