You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
