she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
