dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
