i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
