She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
