i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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