You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
