She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
