ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
