so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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