Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
