Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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