I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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