he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
