Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
