she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This baby is an asshole
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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