Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
