She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
