Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
