Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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