I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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