On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
