I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
