were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
