I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I cockslap morals
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
