anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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