Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
