why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
