i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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