If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
