she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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