he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
