How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
