in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
