Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
