Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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