got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
