Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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