Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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