thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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