he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
