if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
