Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
