have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
