its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
