Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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